An hour at the gym in the morning isn’t only healthy, it makes me feel good about myself and gives me a bit of “me time” to start off my day.
Engaging Jakob with myself in play and crafts (rather than simply trying to “keep him busy”)
Making reading my Bible a priority, realizing how quickly I forget the truth and need a reminder!

It’s like with healthy eating goals - I do so much better when I focus on what I SHOULD be eating, rather than what I shouldn’t. As I focus on putting in 5 servings of fruits and vegetables, drinking 100 oz. of water a day, eating whole grains - I end up eating less junk anyway! And I’m much happier than when I try to will myself to never eat chocolate or something.

One of the things I realized this week I think I need to “add” to my life is a double stroller.

I’ve been resistant to get one. I’ve run around many excuses in my head; “They are just too big.” “I’m not that kind of mom yet.” “I don’t want to spend the money.” And a valid reason - “I’m not sure what kind I want.” Side by side? Tandem? Jogging? There is a push for every type of consumer.

But I think I’ve answered my question and I know I’m done with literally dragging Jakob out of a store while I hold Mercedes and try to get them to the car. My choice is a “Sit-n-Stand” stroller. A traditional seat in the front and a place for the toddler to stand in the back, along with a bench seat if he gets tired. I’ve noticed mostly two brands, Baby Trends and Joovy. The first is much more affordable and is what I have my eye on. I haven’t found a great deal on Craig’s List yet (People shockingly seem to knock off $20 from the retail price after using it for a year and think it’s reasonable!?!) I don’t agree. So I fear I might have to bite the bullet and purchase a new one online. I hate shelling out large amounts of money for a single item (but I don’t seem to have a problem spending $30 every time I go to Target for nothing in particular!).

So before I make the plunge, any advice? Have any of you used a Sit-n-Stand? Send me your opinions, your reviews!

I’m hoping this will fit into our budget soon, I’m working on cutting out those not-so-necessary Target trips to make it happen!

Wesley Acres camp borders the Sandbanks Provincial Park in Ontario and it provides the perfect family swim area! If you squint your eyes a little, you’re in a tropical paradise! Between family and friends there were a few boats and we got out tubing a little on the lake in between our sunbathing.

I put up some pictures that show it better than my words do, so check it out!

Click here or go to our photos page.

I’m not exactly sure all I want to write in these few minutes I have, but I wanted to follow up to my last blog. It’s hard to know what to say that will really convey what’s going on in my heart. There definitely has been a shift. I’ve chosen to walk more in grace, which brings so much peace. Although there continues to be days sprinkled into my weeks where I raise my voice at Jakob or loose my patients with the two of them, joy has returned to my life. A few weeks ago at our bible study we we talking about the generosity of God and the conversation turned into a discussion of suffering. Jason concluded at then end that perhaps “God is generous with his suffering.” I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering, how to suffer is perhaps to know Christ intimately. I love thinking about how Jesus asked the Father if there was another way besides the cross. I guess I love it because it shows the humanity of Jesus - but he was still in complete surrender to the Father’s desires, so he went forward to the cross. Hinds Feet on High Places uses a waterfall to show complete abandonment, giving of one’s self - which is suffering to me! If you have the book, you can read about it on pages184-187. “The height of the rocky lip, over which the waters cast themselves to be dashed into pieces on the rocks below, almost terrified her.” The Shepherd leads her closer to see as she thinks about how terrible it is, “Once over the edge, the waters were like winged things, alive with joy, so utterly abandoned to the ecstasy of giving themselves that she could almost have supposed that she was looking at a host of angels floating down on rainbows wings, singing with rapture as they went. She gazed and gazed, then said, “It looks as though they think it is the loveliest movement in all the world, as though to cast oneself down is to abandon oneself to ecstasy and joy indescribable.” The waters go on to rest as they bubble along before reaching the last part of their journey and going down deeper.

It really doesn’t seem to make sense, that giving up yourself, your desires, would be such a joyous thing, as in the act it doesn’t always feel so - but the reward is there. After a morning of really taking care of my kids and giving my time and efforts to feed them, teach them, get them dressed, all of the work which sometimes is cleaning up horrible poo, somehow I feel joy that afternoon.

My time is gone, we are leaving for Wesley Acres today, to join Jason’s family at Family Camp! It’s a wonderful time on Lake Ontario, and we are looking forward to a vacation. I will continue my journey to wholeness in Christ as a friend said to me recently, “Parents don’t get a vacation, they take their kids to an unfamiliar place where it’s harder to take care of them because they don’t know where anything is.” As this is true, I will ask for grace and know that we will have a good time, the sandbanks are calling to us and Jakob has his shovel ready for the beach!

Mommy and Daddy took me to the ER to make sure I was okay and they glued my forehead! I feel a lot better already!

“Please tell me it gets easier!”

Mercedes turned 5 months old last weekend.
Five months of mothering two.
Five months of taking care of all the daily needs for three people, myself, Jakob and Mercedes. Most of my life (26 of my 28 years) I only had to take care of one, myself. I thought just taking care of myself was tough at times, feeling like I didn’t have the time to get everything done, fit in what I wanted to, be a good friend all the time, be a caring wife all the time… I kinda just want to laugh when I think of “how it used to be.” I didn’t have enough time? Who was I kidding? I had all the time in the world to devote to myself! But I didn’t get it, and I guess that’s okay.

When I was prego with Mercedes I was wondering what I would say about having two. Some friends say it was harder than they expected, others say it didn’t feel that different (until they had 3). I knew it would be more work, but what I didn’t know was how it would affect me.

It’s not the work that gets to me. Changing diapers isn’t hard, nursing soon becomes easy as the baby grows, laundry is washed with a little soap and the turn of a dial - although constant and time-consuming, it’s not hard.

My first thought is that it’s mentally hard. It’s trying to raise a two year old who is, well, a two year old! He doesn’t know how to take care of himself.
He doesn’t know that if he runs and throws himself onto the couch after just eating a PB&J sandwich that he’ll get peanut butter on the couch because it’s all over his face!
He doesn’t seem to have much of a memory at times, doing the very thing I asked him not to just five minutes ago, and I told him yesterday, and the day before, and the day before… yet he does it again. Even doing the very thing he’s been spanked for each day.
He doesn’t know how wrong it is to hit an infant.

But he is two, simply that. He loves life and is eager to learn - it just takes a while.

So while it’s hard work and hard mentally, I realized the real issue for me lies within my heart. There is evil within my heart. I’m all smiles to a point… and then it comes out - my impatience, my selfishness, my anger, it boils over and I realize I’m not who I thought I was. The verses of Isaiah 40 come back to me once again of how weak I am - and that renewal and strength lies within the Lord.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

This chapter was highlighted last Fall at our church’s women’s retreat and I can’t seem to let go of these verses, they constantly come to me. Little did I know what a season of weakness I was entering.

I’m shocked and scared at the feelings of rage that bubble up in me when the day’s frustrations threaten to take over. But even more, I am scared to stay this way. My cry is for the Lord to change me, for His strength to take over, for His will to be done.

Through all this self-examination I’ve been looking for solutions, practical ways to walk towards a change of heart. “Lord, what should my life look like? How should my days flow? How do I lay down my own will, surrender, and let you be glorified in all I do?”

There are so many things I am trying to change or tweak. I really feel as if I need to totally redefine my life. Life doesn’t work the same anymore, I can’t live as I did for the first 26 years of my life. Some are simple things, like the suggestion to take a 10 minute walk alone in the evening because I know how much I love being outside. Or making sure I have creative outlets- sewing, blogging, playdough sculpting (hey, take it where you can!) because this makes me feel alive.

But there is something else…

One of the major things I realized last night during one of those deep conversations with Jason that come after the lights are off, is the need to deal with sin. Trying to live my life with unaddressed sin is horrible, the failure I feel permeates into every area of my life (being a wife, mom, etc). For me, this area is with food. Stress-eating, gluttony, addicted to food, idolatry, comfort eating - I could give it many names, the bottom line is it’s sin. I don’t hardly know life without it, I’ve let it be a part of my identity. And after both pregnancies it seemed to flair up bigger than before. I’m deeply ashamed to admit it, even talk about it (although it’s not a sin you can hide easily when you’re at an unhealthy weight) which is why I’m writing it - a baby step against shame.

I want to be a great mom, I want to be a great wife, hey - some days I just want to be able to keep my house clean! For this to happen I need some major heart change, cleaning out my heart - letting God’s grace, his loving-kindness, clean me.

I refuse to let my joy be stolen any longer. I thought “I’m just not that fun any more” or maybe it’s just that I’ve let go of enjoying the simple things because I’m too caught up in feeling like a failure. Well I feel this is getting too long, hoping it’s okay to blog all this, wondering if it more belongs in my personal journal. So I’ll leave with a laugh. Jason sent me this video and it brought me many laughs this week, something I don’t do often enough. Until next time…

I realized this Winter how hard it is to have a toddler all cooped up inside! So we’re taking full advantage of the yard around our house and often take walks down to the park at the end of our block. It’s nice to have warm evenings so Jason can play outside with the kids after work. I am finding it fun to enjoy the simple moments with our kids. I didn’t realize how fast Jakob grew as a baby because I was always so excited for the next stage. But now with Mercedes I often wish she’d slow down, I love the little baby girl that she is!

Weight: 12 lbs, 8 oz, 39 Percentile

Height: 26 inches , 98 Percentile

Head Circumference: 16 inches, 55 Percentile

I was concerned to see her weight drop down from the 72%, but Dr. Johanson said she’s doing fine and there is nothing to worry about. She is up almost two pounds from her 2mo. check-up. So I guess I’ll just keep feeding her and watch her grow!

Mercedes continues to be a very happy baby. She is quite social and loves when people talk to her. I was thinking that she liked to be held a lot more than Jakob did at this age, but I realize that mostly she just likes being around people! If she is fussy or crying, she often quiets down and puts on a big smile when I walk into her view. She likes to know that I am there and likes it when I talk to her. Mercedes is starting to make more noises herself, trying to converse with us.

Having a girl is still pretty new to us. I realized how much we are still in “boy mode” when we went to a one-year-old girl’s birthday party this week. We picked out a fun Dr. Seuss book and some sand toys to give to her. As she began to open her presents, I noticed a different theme, she got a new baby doll, a tea set, etc… Oh yeah! It didn’t even cross my mind to pick out such “girl toys”! I know girls love to read books and play in the sand also, but it just made me realize how different it is to raise a little girl! Our house is full of train sets, race cars, dinosaurs, baseballs, and more. The world of pink and baby dolls hasn’t quite begun at our house yet but we’re excited to see it unfold!

I like to watch Thomas on tv. Mommy and daddy record all the episodes for me, but it only comes on once a week. I don’t mind watching the same episode over and over, I like them a lot!

I was late this morning, because I’m a mom, really - a fitting excuse. My morning started off a bit late after a night of having both my kids wake me up numerous times. I count myself really blessed to have had two children now that sleep through the night by 3 months (90% of the time!). I was just telling a friend this morning, “All kids are different, and some just sleep through the night easier.” Being the casual, relaxed (often I call myself lazy, but those words sound better) person I am - I don’t put a huge amount of effort into “trying to get my kids to sleep through the night.” It’s a goal I think all parents want to obtain and I know many put a lot of thought and a LOT of work into trying to make it happen. I really only follow one principle, and again - I’m pretty relaxed with it. I got it out of “Baby Wise” when I was first pregnant with Jakob. I was a little nervous reading this book. Out of many friends that I trust, some loved it and others hated it. So first off, I just read the one chapter about feedings and tried it out. Basically the gist is just keeping them awake after they eat. Trying to make a cycle of: Sleep, Eat, Awake - then repeat! Keeping my baby awake after they eat (at first for only minutes maybe) was the real winner. Is this mostly so it doesn’t make them dependent on nursing in order to sleep or maybe it’s because they are asleep as they are getting hungry so they don’t experience that fussy/hungry time? Well, there are a bunch of facts I think, about digestion and whatever that support this - but all I know is that it worked for me. Although I really do think I have had easy kids. I don’t take all the credit because I know some great moms that just struggle because their baby is colicky or whatever. So, having relatively “easy” kids, it seems all the more harder when they do wake me up.

So my morning started off late after Jakob woke up at 2:30 screaming over a poopie diaper. He’s had a rash the past few days and from his cries, it sounded painful. He wouldn’t go back to bed and at that time of night, I’m in no mood for “constructive teaching time” - he came to our bed. Now, people have different opinions of the “family bed” but I’m just wishing our kid would sleep in our bed! I’ve tried to bring him to bed with me and he just plays and plays and talks loudly, and plays… I think he might be starting to get the hang of it, after about 30 minutes he passed out between the two of us. It wasn’t long until Mercedes woke me up crying. It was hours before she normally wants to eat, so I gave her a pacifier and went back to bed. This game continued each time it fell out of her mouth until she dosed off. I remember now how excited I was when Jakob learned to put his own pacifier in his mouth… what age was that?

I ended sleeping the last few hours of the morning on the futon in Mercedes’ room and Jakob stayed with Jason. Jason usually leaves the house around 7:30, getting up about 1/2 hour before that. So when he was in the shower is when Jakob started jumping on me, pulling my blanket off, asking me to go “dowstairs” with him. I love my kids more than I ever imagined - but their little smiling face goes from cute to torture pretty quick in the morning when I’m trying to get more sleep.

My new gym routine is to go at 8 a.m. to Lifetime, usually 3-5 times a week. Mercedes turned 3 months a few weeks ago and can now be in the baby room at the Child Center. Jakob loves playing there (aka, getting tired out) and I have fallen in love with having a hour or two to myself in the morning!!! I ended up being a half hour late this morning, cutting my “alone time” down to 90 minutes (Appointments are needed for the “baby room” due to the high staff/child ratio, and I only had a space until 10 a.m. for her). But none the less, it was wonderful to have that time and I still got to have my long shower without worrying what the kids were doing (a lovely treat!).

So I left Lifetime later than planned and showed up at mom’s group 1/2 hour late. The leaders had prepared a special brunch for us since it was the last week and I came in on people sharing their highlights of the group. I didn’t share mine at that time but can echo what most said. To me, this group is amazing! There is no shortage of young moms at our church, we’ve had 11 babies born this year so far and the year isn’t even half over - a lot for a church of a few hundred! Having a place where I can hear other’s struggles (aka, not feel so horrible about my abilities as a mom) and successes is beyond words. There are weeks where we laugh a lot together and mostly it seems there are weeks where we cry a lot together. I never knew how hard it would be to be a mom of a toddler, really I don’t think I could have imagined what it would be like, and what it would bring out of me. As someone shared one week, “It really brings out the evil in you.” So true! I thought I was a generally nice, easy-going person, but when a toddler pushes you to your limits, watch out! My reserve of grace was running out and I was ashamed at my behavior so I distanced myself from God. But just a few weeks ago, as one of the leaders humbly spoke on patience - it turned into one of those weeks where we cried a lot and my emotions spilled out as I shared my struggles that have been building in my heart. That morning ended with powerful prayer and I can say I feel like a different person. Is my patience endless and effortless now? Not by a long shot. I still feel like I reach the end of my power and grace almost daily. But the difference is, not hiding from God. Rather in those moments I feel and know His truth and peace entering my mind and heart. I have opened up this area to God and He is meeting me there. Also, I’ve begun asking Jakob for forgiveness more lately. I started teaching Jakob to apologize a few months ago and I want him to know it goes both ways. He doesn’t get it now, I’m the one prompting him to tell me, “I forgive you, mommy” but he’ll get it one day. And on that day he’ll already have built a foundation of forgiveness, both asking for and receiving it.

That’s my life as a mom so far today, I wanted to share a little slice with you because that has been my favorite thing about mom’s group this year - hearing from the other moms.